THINGS I LEARNED FROM · TROY (2004) A movie about the Ancient Greeks isn't R-Rated by default. Odysseus likes to channel Boromir. Black people didn't exist in Acient Greece. All Greeks except the kings must be dark skinned and dark haired. Agamemnon is pure evil. The old way to settle a war was by having two guys kick the crap out of each other. If your best soldier doesn't turn up for battle, send a two year old with no riding skills to look for him. For being so keen of his senses, Achilles can hardly discern between night-time and morning inside a tent. Acient Greeks had British accents, but not posh ones like those sword-and-sandal epics of the 1950s. Brad Pitt's accent was something left over from Interview With the Vampire, minus fangs. Every English-language movie about ancient times must be spoken in British accent. Achilles is super buff. Steriods were in use long before Barry Bonds. Achilles was American. Brad Pitt needs a face lift. Achilles was not a prince, but Agamemnon's champion. No-one will remember your name if you don't fight. Achilles' two main ambitions in life is to be famous forever and to have sex with himself. Brad Pitt is not able to carry a movie. While waiting for the best warrior to arrive, both armies should sit around and do nothing until he arrives. Agamemnon hates Achilles but if he weren’t so damned useful he’d hate him even more. Nestor was not the wise king of Pylos, but a a sneaking courtier of Agamemnon. Achilles has some serious anger management problems. Achilles is tortured and complex and has a thing for storming off and making a tortured fuss. Achilles being a great swordsman is his curse, hence his tortured outlook on his wasted life. Achilles can’t even kill a poodle without whining about it. Shaolin fighting monks migrated to Ancient Greece at some point to teach Achilles martial arts. Achilles can fight like a Jedi. The best fighter in every Greek army has inevitably been killed by Achilles. Achilles is an arrogant, selfish little psycho who has slaughtered countless other human beings to ensure his own immortality - however, he is blonde, buff and played by Brad Pitt so he is clearly the Good Guy. Achilles enjoys killing his own countrymen. There was no-one else. Agamemnon is not Achilles' king. The Iliad starts when Agamemnon invaded Thessaly. Agamemnon is not getting any and uses his huge mass of land as some kind of compensation. The Greek nation existed 3200 years ago. The Trojans are all dicks (the pun is intended). Sitting at the dinner table in full armour is apparently very comfortable. Hector and Paris had matching leisure-wear. The Trojans had a extensive knowlegde of tye-dying. The Coca-Cola/Pepsi war can be traced back to Acient Greece with the Trojans penchant for wearing blue and Greeks penchant for wearing red. Eric Bana is good when he's not the Hulk. Orlando Bloom has a face you wouldn't tire of punching. Trojans are more stylish than Greeks. Paris was an elf. It's sad that Paris is prettier than Helen. No-one will notice if a prince and queen are absent from a party. Spartan bellydancers are Menelaus' favorite kind of whore. Every character the public doesn't easily sympathize with is clearly old, crusty and creepy, especially Agamemnon and Menaleus. Modern audiences demand a villain - that is why Agamemnon and Menelaus have to be middle-aged, bearded, fat, and played by Brian Cox and Brendan Gleeson. Paris likes to think with his dick. Legolas should have stayed in the woods. Paris wants it, his precious Helen. If a woman tells you to leave her alone, you must misunderstand that gesture as some kind of encouragement. If you want some boobs in the face, give a girl a seducing massage, then threaten to leave. Helen likes to lay in a way where you can see her pelvic bones glistening in the candlelight. You can't also go wrong by giving your girlfriend a pretty necklace from some island that sounds sexy. Helen is afraid of tomorrow, making her even more paranoid than Paris. Helen was a ghost. It's hard being the most beautiful woman in the world. If you have an old husband, you're totally justified in leaving him for someone younger and better looking. Don't hate Helen because she's beautiful, hate her because all the young, handsome princes in the world know she's married to an old geezer. A queen and a prince are ok with the idea of running away, despite it meaning they'll be living in a cave with one pair of shoes and a very limited food supply with nowhere to go, and on the run from the Greek army. It's ok to leave your husband if he's an old bastard and you meet a hot young stud. A personality is not really necessary. Paris was the selfish bastard who started the entire Trojan War. Blonde Greeks are nothing but trouble. Orlando Bloom is loved by women and elves everywhere. If you kidnap someone, it's a good idea to stick them in this closet for the remainder of the voyage without food or water. If they existed, sometimes the Gods will bless you in the morning and curse you in the afternoon. Looking pretty and being retarded clearly runs in the Trojan family. Priam only had 2 sons, although Hector probably wished he were an lonely child. Hecuba had only a couple of children, rather than 50. Hector should have quit while he was ahead. Being loyal to your family is a bad idea. Eric Bana really needed to throttle Orlando Bloom to death. Seriously, Eric Bana needed to kill Orlando Bloom. I don't care if that wasn't in The Illiad; trust me, it just needed to be done. Menelaus didn't notice when his wife disappeared countinously at the same time as Paris, but he got pissed when she wasn't in her room the next day. The Spartan Fisherman is actually the biggest hero of the film, coming through in the nick of time for the chamber-maid. Some senile old fart who probably can’t remember what he had for lunch remembers Helen boarding on with Paris. The Greeks are evil war-mongers. Holding hands in a arm wrestling sort of way was a highfive in the old-fashioned way. Achilles fights for no flag. Cousin is code word for lover. Achilles likes to play with his wooden sword. Patroclus was a surfer dude sent back in time. Achilles & Patroclus were SO fucking. Male bonding is an important thing. Achilles is totally heterosexual, not a gay bone in his body. Homophobes should really consider not making films about the Ancient Greeks. Odysseus' wife hates it when he goes off to fight for a long period of time. Odysseus is the only guy Achilles will listen to. The Trojan War is like the war in Iraq, only over a babe and shorter. Even though there are two rivers framing it, Troy is built on a completely barren desert. Somehow Helen manages to find something special to wear when she arrives in Troy. Paris is a chip off the old block. The face that launched a thousand ships was apparently just some pretty blonde with no personality. Becoming the princess with the younger prince of Troy is a better career move than being the queen of Sparta. Some woman is fairly attractive. Helen of Sparta will forever be known as Helen of Troy. Llamas came from Asia. There was only one scene where Briseis wasn't threatened with death or rape. You could bounce a quarter off Paris' washboard stomach. Priam has his sons fabulous bone structure. Priam is a pervy father-in-law. Peter O' Toole is old. In Ancient Greece, women can change husbands easily. Marriage can be ignored. There were no divorce atttorney 3200 years ago. If you wanted a divorce, you just left. The King of Troy cannot assert himself. Let your son bring another man's wife home. To be a princess of Troy, you do not need to be legally married. In Troy, the sun rises in the west, rather than the east. Orlando Bloom has a thing for living in the wilderness. Even if you're an attractive couple, you still run the risk of conceiving a fat baby. Achilles' mom enjoys jewelry-making as a hobby. Achilles didn't want a wife and kids. Wandering around with seashells doesn't make you look crazy. Thetis was just another mother sad about her son going off to war. The most important thing in the world is for people to remember your name. Even if you're married and have kids, your life will be meaningless. CGI can make one ship into a thousand ships. If you are riding on a boat, you must have long hair so it can flop around in the breeze. No good soldier goes to war without taking his cousin along with him. It's a great idea to recruit a soldier to join you in war, who wants to fight, but you won't let him. The Myrmidons are lions. Not Mermaids. The Greek fleet arrived one day after Hector and Paris arrived. Blue was every Trojan's favorite color, while Helen liked to wear white and Achilles and his Myrmidons wore black. There is a beach in Troy. When someone dongs on a gong, everyone must stop what they're doing and start a humongous freakout. For some obscure reason, Priam and anyone else in Troy thought to raise the army until the Greeks BEGIN to land, after having several days notice. The Trojans have uniform armours. Hector knows how to pray, fuck and fight. Achilles just knows how to fight... and be tortured with his inner pain. It's a good idea to send your best warrior on the front line. Patroclus doesn't like to guard the ship. Before seeing this film, I actually thought it was a bad idea to put 200 men on a beachhead, to stop 50,000 men. If you want to conquer the beach of one of the most fortified cities there is, a few Myrmidons are more than enough, the other few thousand men serve as filler material. In order to go unseen against an army, you must form a shell with your shields. That way no one will see you advance because apparently shields can blind your vision. When ordering your men into an outnumbered battle on the beach, for fighting-inspiration, it's best to hand over the rallying war-cry to your second-in-command. If you have 50 men and 30 of them get shot, you'll automatically get 70 men. When you are hit in the face with a shield, on a beach by Achilles, your reaction will be as improbable as the JFK assissination. The Riverdance pose was invented by Achilles. 50 lions can defeat an army of humans. Ajax is your man if you want to row faster. There's only one Ajax. Ajax kicked ass. Entire arrow-heads are lost when they strike shields. Diomedes was just another Achaean soldier, hardly worthy of putting in the movie. If someone was holding Helen hostage, the first place I'd look would be in a temple. Apollo is a coward for letting Achilles sack his temple and wreck his statue without lifting a finger in defense. The statue of Apollo was made out of cardboard. It's too early to be killing princes and apparently you're not supposed to kill people in a war. Hector pissed his pants after he saw the way Achilles threw that spear. If you are Achilles, it automatically means that you can throw spears over 200 metres with pin point accuracy. You don't have to be the offspring of a mortal and a God in order chuck a spear through someone's head from half a mile away. Achilles has a penchant for pointing his phallic symbol and watching the men huzzah his tortured name. Apparently, Temple priests & maids don't subscribe to Trojan military-intelligence. No one cares enough about the priests and priestsess to tell them that a massive army might just be coming their way. Eudorus was emo. Achilles needs to know the names of his slave girls so he can have his way with them. You can park a thousand ships on a little beach. There wasn't a lot of pillaging and raping during the Trojan War. You can never go wrong with a phallic symbol of unknown use as a gift to your king. Apparently Agamemnon won some great victory on the Trojan Beach. Agamemnon likes to take his best soldier's whore. Your loyal servant is code for your bitch. Agamemnon likes to make a meal of the scenery. "You sack of wine" is the best insult Achilles can come up with. “You sack of wine” was a real insult 3200 years ago. Agamemnon is the king of kings, not the king of Persia. If you're safe behind some huge super-safe walls, you must constantly run outside to get your asses kicked by the Greeks. The Trojans have the finest archers in the world... and in Middle Earth! If you need a conversation piece with your son, you can't go wrong talking about swords. If you have a sword that has been in your family for thousands of years, you must give it to your son who has no idea how to handle it. If your son is in the fight of his life, give him a really old hand-me-down sword. Paris loves Helen like Priam loves buildings and plant life. Priam is pronounced "Preye-am". Menaleus is "Mene-lay-us". And Achilles is "A-kill-ay-oos". Haven't you ever heard of an "A-kill-ay-oos" tendon? Agamemnon and Menaleus are only slightly younger than Priam, but both of them fight in their own wars. Paris wore an oversized helmet to up his cuteness factor. Menelaus' miniskirt makes his ass look big. When you're in the fight of your life, don't think about your girlfriend. In some shots, Menelaus wasn't only fighting Paris but the camera man too. Paris found out the hard way that real-life dueling is not at all like in the Nintendo game. When you're getting your butt kicked, run to your big brother! Hugging your big brother's leg will make the bad people go away. Menelaus and Paris are more alike than they think, they both go whining to their older brothers to help them beat the bullies. Of all the names France could have chosen for their capital city, they picked histories most famous coward. Perfect choice since it parallels their current military and government. Paris is a real ladies man - he steals wives in the night and is scared to defend them to their rightful husbands. Helen left Menelaus for "this". It really MUST be true love that Helen still loves Paris after his embaressing performance on the battle field. Menelaus forgot Paris' brother is the good fighter. Menelaus doesn't win or gets the girl in the end. Helen going back to Menelaus would've ruined the movie. Make sure to say something unintelligible when making a battle cry. If it wasn't for CGI, the Trojan War would've never existed. Greeks ride chariots, Trojans ride Horses. When sitting on the sidelines during a battle, make sure to give orders to your troops not in hearing range. If Achilles didn’t think Agamemnon was a bloated carcass of feces, he would’ve kicked SO much ass at the battle outside the city walls. If you stab Ajax, it don’t mean shit! Boagrius dies from one sword stab in the should but Ajax has to have a spear driven clean through his body and another sword driven through his body and twisted around for dramatic effect. The sheep must be relieved. Suicide is not an option the film-makers wanted to include, because obviously giving depth to their characters was the last thing they wanted. Hector yelling push from his horse in the rear ranks of the army could be heard amongst the sounds of death, weapons and blade hitting flesh. The greatest army in the Mediterranean eqips many of its men with cheap hammers. The wailing voice in this movie is more annoying than that bitch from Titanic. The soldiers really must spend a lot of their daytime collecting wood for burials. Helen was trained as a nurse. Helen doesn't want a fighter. She wants a man who can steal her from her home in the middle of the night, lock her below decks on a boat trip, get everyone in Sparta and Troy to hate her and then subsequently start a war that kills his family and be the downfall of his people and kingdom. Agamemnon likes to give away his slave girl. Briseis would've preferred to been gang raped by a bunch of brutes than be in the company of Achilles. Loving the Gods is a one-sided relationship. The Gods envy Brad Pitt because he has no discernible acting talent and yet makes $20 million for showing his ass. Acient Greeks liked to go through life psychoanalyzing themselves. Briseis could have forgiven Achilles if he was a brute but then wouldn't have had that sexy knife threatening tension scene. Scenes that don't really add to the story doesn't matter as long as you show Brad Pitt's ass. That's the most important thing. It's necessary for a hero to flash his ass every now and then. Brad Pitt's ass is prettier than his face these days, and has a wider range of expressions. If a girl smacks you around with a wet towel and then attempts to slit your throat, it means she really likes you. Priam was stupid. Hector's intelligence can become a burden. There's no such things as the Gods. Hector is the only person with a brain. Birds flying mean you're going to win the war. While Hector believes in the Gods, he doesn't believe in divine intervention. Hector likes to quote Stalin. Bresis was the love of Achilles' life. Temple virgins aren't what they used to be. It isn't insulting to have a woman, who clearly stands against the concept of war, despite not clearly advocating her stance and only giving occasional naïve statements on war, managing to change Achilles' view on warfare simply by bedding him a few times and manipulating his mind through sensual sex. Banging on your shields is a good idea, since it worked for The Two Towers. You don't need 10 years for your enemies to know and fear your name. That can be accomplished over a weekend. When huge numbers of people are fighting simultaneously, you have to stop fighting once the real heroes square off. Patroclus does a very believable Achilles impersonation. Evidently hitting Hector's shield delivers a kickback that sends Patroclus tripping over himself. If you thought Hector killed Achilles and did not notice the lack of focus on Brad Pitt's face, then you're retarded as Paris. Ancient people had poor vision and couldn't see the facial difference through Achilles' helmet. War is evil and may end up in tragedy with the death of someone who remarkably looks like Brad Pitt. Before killing Patroclus, Hector thought of war as a victimless crime. Apparently, when a man charges at you, with armor, sword and a dozen Achaeans at his back, you're suppose to ask for his driver's license because you don't want to kill anybody under-aged. Only Hector could mistake a five-year-old blonde woman child for the greatest hero of his time. It was Patroclus' own fault he was dead for putting on Achilles' armour. Hector hates to stab people after slicing their throats. You can stop a battle any time you feel like it. After throwing your enemy camp into chaos with the burning bales of hay, you should wait until daybreak to attack again so your enemies would have time to get themselves organized. Patroclus won the war for Agamemnon. Achilles only gets kinda angry. (I mean, not like the Iliad doesn't start with the phrase "Rage--sing, goddess, of the rage of Peleus' son Achilles.") Brad Pitt can do a) angry, b) horny, c) really angry, d) thinking/hungry/sad/plotting/worried. Brad Pitt looks like a monkey when he isn't doing a, b, or c. Hector has never been wrong. Killing cousins is the worst thing you can do to a person. Troy is incredibly contradictory. In one scene Hector says being captured and raped is a fate worse than death but in another we learn that Briseis seems to be enjoying herself. So is it okay to be captured and raped, or not? A fat kid with a huge melon being thrown off high walls and going splat doesn't bear thinking about. Andromache can't live without Hector, he is the air in her body. Hector wants to see his son grow up, fight wars and make the same mistakes that Paris made by screwing temple virgins. Should the greatest fighter the world has ever known appear at your front door, you must fight him rather than just order your archers to kill him. Otherwise you are a pussy. Hector is the best son ever. Way better than Paris. Paris is the best sister anyone could have. Since Astynax knew that his father was about to die, he started crying. Hector's baby is a better actor than his brother - what focus! Before fighting someone, it's not good to give someone the idea of defiling your body after you're dead. All that “respect for the dead” nonsense is for pussies. Real heroes don't wear helmets during battle. Achilles took off his helmet in front of Hector so he knew who he was fighting and to see how hot he was. Even if you are the great prince of Troy, you should act like a pussy while fighting your rival hero, since he got top billing. A spear is meant for hitting, not for throwing it at the adversary. A rock isn't stealing Achilles' glory, but gay ass Paris will. Even though we wouldn't like Hector when he's angry, Hector's still no match for an enraged Tyler Durden. Andromache is the single mother of a really fat baby. If you're the cause of the war, it wouldn't be totally awkward to comfort the woman whose husband just died in battle. If you're the finest archer in the world, you must refrain from shooting, even if the person is dragging around your prince's body at spitting distance. Dragging a dead body behind your chariot really doesn't bug a horse anymore than riding on his back and despite that, the body never gets any sand up his crack making him weigh down the horse even more. The logical step after killing a man is to kidnap him and cut out his ears, eyes & tongue. Achilles made Hector the gross hag in the Underworld. Achilles has road rage issues. Despite everything that had happened to her, the only time Briseis cried was when Hector died. To look even more tortured, splash water on yourself. Priam was able to easily ride a chariot in the Greek camps to visit Achilles without a God disguising the fact that he was the king of the city that was said camp's enemy for 10 years. Pardon me, a couple of weeks. Achilles hotness backfired on him when Priam came onto him after kissing his hands. Achilles could kick Priam's ass within a nanosecond. If you ask nicely, human killing machines will cut you some slack. Priam doesn't fear death, although he should, considering that his death would leave Paris in charge! Even after you make a friendly truce, your enemy will still want to kill you tomorrow. If you're a king in a enemy camp, you wouldn't need someone like Achilles to escort you out of the place, telling the guards "Achilles said it was ok for me to leave" is sufficient enough. Achilles likes Priam more than Agamemnon. Priam didn't bother spending the night in Achilles tent. As soon as Achilles gave him back his son and niece, he quickly hopped on a chariot and rode off before he could change his mind. The Aecheans like to bring a lot of wood during a war. The Beach of Troy is full of timber. Drugs existed in Acient Greece. Who else but a man coked out on his mind would come up with the idea of getting into a huge fake horse?! If you find a couple of carefully arranged corpses on a deserted beach, it must be the plague and the work of Apollo. Stealth is the better part of victory. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Greeks are weird about gifts. Greeks think bigger is better. Always accept gifts from a humiliated and corrupt king. What could possibly go wrong? If you want to get in, slip something on and sneak on in! An army fooled another by hiding in a big wooden horse. Paris was only right once. Priam likes to ignore his sons advice. Trojans were kind of silly. If you find a big wooden horse, the first thing you must do is take it into your guarded city and start celebrating. Paris misses his brother. Only one guard is able to notice a million Greek ships hidden on a beach. Once your enemy's city is on fire all over, give the brilliant command to burn everything. In battle, Odysseus can channel Achilles. Andromache is really forgiving since she saved her late husband's useless brother and said brother's wife-who-caused-the-war-in-the-first-place. As Orlando Bloom became a great archer, his hair turned dark. Upon seeing Paris shoot his bow, you have to start counting at some ridiculous high number ("150, 151, 152...") The fat Trojan general hopes that adapting a heavy Scottish accent will enhance his fighting skills as the Greeks break into the main palace. Homer couldn't think of a conveniently placed escape tunnel in order to beat Greek fate. Aeneas was a teenage kid when he embarked on his mission to find Trojans a new home. After been given the sword, Aeneas shifted his weight because that big old guy was getting heavy. A teenager founded Rome. It's believable that a shiny-faced little kid would go on and continue the Roman race. Rome was found because of a rusty old sword. If you say that you won't leave Troy that really means that you need 5 minutes to shamefully kill Achilles. Achilles scaled the wall like Spiderman, despite there being a staircase right next to it. He always has to do things the hard way. If your quick enough to remind Achilles that you may have a family, he'll let you go. If your city is under attack, you don't need private bodyguards to remove your king to a safe place. It's best for the king to wander alone and wail “don’t you have any respect... don’t you have any respect!” before getting killed. Agamemnon personally killed Priam. Priam never seemed to leave the temple. Agamemnon has no honor. In his great conquest of the glamourous city of Troy, Agamemnon saw fit to only equip himself with a two man protection force. If ever your city is being destroyed go and pray. Some frail Greek slave girl killed Agamemnon. Briseis destroyed a whole play by Sophocles, Freud's Electra complex idea and a whole Freudian movement. Briseis is a much more pivotal character in Greek Mythology than Cassandra. Wait, who? Every villain needs a "comeuppance scene". Paris fought more than once. You may remember Paris' bow from such films as the Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring, the Two Towers, and the Return of the King. Contray to popular belief, Troy was not a sequel to Lord of the Rings. It takes many arrows to fell mighty, manly Achilles. Much like his similarly tortured kin, Boromir. Paris can't do anything right. Leave it to a woman to take the greatest warrior of all time and turn him into the ultimate pansy. When your cousin is shooting your lover with arrows, you don't stand in front of your lover and do a classical 'if you kill him, you kill me.' You instead just cry and shout at them. Achilles died so he could begin filming his next epic, Ocean's Twelve. Achilles dies because he forgot to wear his Nikes into battle (Nike is the Greek word for Victory). Paris killed the only chance of love Briseis had. Paris is too pretty and retarded to die. Hundreds of Trojans - men, women and children - get raped, burned and slaughtered. But Paris gets away, thank goodness. It wasn't Paris' sword Helen was interested in. It was his bow. The Trojans didn't lose because the Gods were against them. The Illiad apparently had a happy "fairy tale" ending. Every King, Prince or Hero can only be killed by another King, Prince or Hero. The greatest war the world has ever seen lasted for 17 days. Time passed very quickly in the ancient world; amazing to see how a ten-year-long war could seem like a week. The Trojan War will be remembered across the ages. The war was amazing and when people talk about it, they say; "ohmygod that war was SOOOCOOl!" Did I mention that the Trojan War will never be forgotten? Troy was a stupid epic. It was about stupid people doing really stupid things. The lineup for The Trojan Women is very short. Odysseus is now king of Greece as all the other kings are dead. Troy was Homer For Idiots.